Today certainly wasn’t a bad day, my hikes just didn’t possess that magic they had in the past few days. What the day lacked in breathtaking views and “moments”, it more than made up for in new, exploding thoughts.
When I woke up, I just didn’t “feel” the hiking. Maybe it was because I was physically exhausted from walking with a 35 pound pack on my back for the past ten days, or I was emotionally exhausted from the beauty that had been assaulting my senses. Either way, I really just wanted to hang out in the common room and read a book. Still, I asked myself “How often am I in the Himalayas?”, and forced my trekking boots on and walked on to Base Camp.
Of course the hike was gorgeous. It was the same peaks, valleys and snow that nearly brought me to tears the past two days, but some of the magic was gone. I tried using the Key, but it simply wasn’t effective.
Things turned up a bit when I was at trekkers base camp and chose not to go to the Climbers Base Camp. A guide told me that trekkers were supposed to stop here and the views weren’t really going to be any better or different at the climbers camp, so I resigned to stop hiking for the day. I watched a group walk further toward the Climbers Base Camp, and found a comfy rock to lay on and soak up the sun. Here, I was not driven to the point of tears, but a bit of that magic seemed to creep back into me.
This brings up something I only briefly touched on the other day. Until now all aspect of this figurative Travelers Key I’ve been carrying with have been mental processes. They’re all states of mind. None of them involve actions. How could I ignore this? A couple days ago I sensed there was a relationship between the Key and following your soul, heart, intuition or whatever you want to call it. Now, I think that listening to that irrational aspect of self that tells you what to do isn’t related to the key, it’s part of it.
In the shadows of Lhotse Mountain I reveled in this new understanding for a bit. Gratitude, clear mind and egolessness could only do so much if you were betraying a fundamental aspect of yourself. And what is this aspect? I’ve placed a lot of new age sounding word on it, but at it’s core it’s just doing what you want. I suppose most people would argue that in their free time they already do what they want without listening to some logic-defying inner voice, but I’m not so sure. It seems that the current American lifestyle is so stressful, that our rare moments of free time is merely spent escaping the stresses and anxieties of life. Escape is quite different than pursuit. Also, It seems that even when we’re momentarily free from all of our responsibilities and stress, we become more concerned with feeding an ego than listening to our true nature of mind that really reveals what we should be doing. When you compound this with the reality of our expanding workweeks and decreasing vacation times, doing what you want is becoming harder and harder to come by.
I also imagine that quite a few people would consider simply doing whatever you want as a selfish desire, but I’m not so sure of this either. I think violent criminals are simply afflicted with many delusions of mind. Furthermore, it seems like those that are involved in the helping profession are much closer to doing what they want than those in the Corporate World. From this frame of reference, it seems people lean toward the socially proactive when left with the option of doing what they want, not such a bad thing.
Doing what you want – Following your heart – Intuition – Wisdom – Soul – It all started to seem like the same elusive thing to me at that moment. Even more important, it started to seem like one of the most important aspects on the effectiveness of the Traveler’s Key, one of the most important aspects of a fulfilling life.
Maybe the strength of the sun rays at 18,000 ft made me disoriented, maybe I was dehydrated, but as I laid on that rock my mind began to race all over the place. Reflecting on the difficulty of simply doing what you want to do, my mind turned toward the CBT model of psychology. The basic idea is that our thoughts, behaviors and emotions are all interrelated, and for some reason the unification of thoughts, actions and emotions seemed like the most beautiful idea in the world to me. Furthermore, it seemed like the Travelers Key I’ve blabbed on so much about, was the key to accomplishing this! I think all three times I was on the verge of tears was not only because of the natural beauty around me, but because of the harmony in which these different aspects of self were in accordance with each other.
I kind of laughed to myself on the rock for a bit. Everyone is wandering by, sitting around, snapping photos, and although they see me in the background here, they have no idea what’s going on in my head.
Anyhow, the swirling of thoughts momentarily slowed down a bit as I reveled in the harmony of self I’ve been lucky enough to forge on the trek here. But then I started thinking of the aspects of self, and the currents of my mind grew stronger than ever. Thoughts – behaviors – actions. These are the aspects of self that the CBT model views a human. Nice, tidy, easy to define and measurable.
After living the past few days in the appreciation of that which is irrational and illogical, this normally neutral concept seemed repulsive. Surely there is more than this. Surely there is an aspect of self which holds higher meaning than this, something that escapes measurements, definitions and reason. Surely if there was such an aspect of self that escaped logic, modern psychology and science would miss it! Our attachment to reason, fostered since a child in our classrooms, would almost blind us to its presence!
The swirling stopped and I had a clear thought.
Yesterday I said my purpose was to pursue, appreciate and create that which holds unmistakable beauty. As part of this, I now dedicate myself to a personal understanding and practice of spirituality.
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